Oceans and Roads

Hello one, hello all! I am back again, and I apologize for the lack of posts. I wish I could tell you that the whole time I've been absent has been spent taking a voyage on the seas of my inner self and washing up on the correct shores. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you that. A lot of time has been spent with school, and procrastinating on school matters. Another good chunk of time has been spent by me being hypocritical, and losing sight of who I really am (which I seem to manage to do quite often, and this has led me to the conclusion that I am not a worthwhile person - but that is not the point here).

As I was saying, I've been attempting to mold myself into the person that I think my friends, family, God, and myself would want to see. So far, I have failed in so many ways. Let me explain:
I believe that change is a beneficial and necessary part of life (this is one of the only things I have figured out about life at all) and I believe that if you are not moving forward, you are not moving. So I have been trying to find out who I really am and improve the things that need to be improved in hopes to create a more genuine, kind, responsible, friendly, not hypocritical person. And in some areas, I think I am improving. I've been able to connect with people more, and hopefully not come off so unfriendly. But I've also let my ego get in the way, and that has caused me to act and speak in a way that completely resets any movement I've made in the proper direction.

Another thing I have learned about life is that it really is a journey. And, just like Frodo in Lord of the Rings (yes, I am a complete nerd), he changes as a person from the start to finish of his journey. I have changed before, and I have changed in many not so good ways, but I am certainly searching for the right track again. I hope and pray that I will find that road, and not be walking in the opposite lane when I do find it.

This post is a short one, and I'm certain that it's one of my more boring and selfish posts, but it was weighing on my heart. So I wrote about it. I hope all of you have a wonderful day and week, and if you are trying to change, that you change for the right things.

Also, I do believe that God created us as the person He wants us to be, we just sometimes have to find that person again. Or, at least I have to.

The Light and The Dark

I'm sure you are all getting tired of poetry, but I will indulge myself and post this new one anyways. Let me know how you like it!
---
There was an angel by her side
That night
Keeping her alive,
But she was already dead
On the inside.
And she was half-awake
When she
Stumbled onto that bed
With all of their words
Filling up her head
Like a symphony,
And she kept it on repeat.

She has never been alone.

He drives to the ends of the Earth,
Just to clear his mind.
And she drinks bottled cures,
Just to make her numb inside.
But they are both searching for the same thing
For two hands so they can feel complete
Another pulse to echo their heartbeat.

She struggles every night
For her eyes to find the light
And her mouth has already
Fired off a thousand vicious replies
But she hides
That person from her child.
And maybe I,
I was too naive,
And my actions speak ill of you and me.

But I have never been alone
Or faced this terrible world on my own.
No, I have never been alone.

She drowns the world at night
With a soft, cynical reply,
"If all I see is an empty sky -
then Good God can you show me that I'm alive?"

A Pale Blue Dot

This is something a bit different, it's a fictional short story I've been working on. The story has much to do with themes of isolation, love, hope, and the need for human connection, all set to a science fiction backdrop. I hope you enjoy this little introduction!

A blinking light. One solitary blinking light, illuminating the dark chamber in pulsing rhythms, but always on time. Shapes could momentarily be made out - a silhouette of a chair, a small bed - not fit for more than one. The rest of whatever could be in that room was shrouded in the darkness of night, or at least what seemed to be night. 

Then a beeping sound came on. Soft, but still piercing through the silence. It was enough to capture the attention of the single inhabitant in the room.

He opened his eyes. He was met with the same darkness that had lingered in the room for so long. It was cold, but not unusually cold. His feet made contact with a metallic surface, just rough enough for his feet to grasp. His hands reached to the side of the bed, and he lifted himself up.

It was hard to breathe. The low oxygen indicator had been on for the past week or so. Maybe it was finally up, he thought. Maybe all the O2 had run out, and soon he would inhale the last of it. But he did not remember there being a separate indicator for the total loss of oxygen. No, this was something else entirely.

He looked around, not seeing much at all. His hands groped around until they found a light switch. He pushed the tiny lever up, and in an instant the first cabin room was illuminated. 

The cabin was a pristine white shade, with octagonal paneling. Cables and cords ran on the ceiling and the floor through the whole length of the room, hooking into grids and computers. On the left side of the room, close to the entrance, there was a single octagonal window. The view was very dark and hazy, but one large object could be made out.

Earth. With its blues and whites and oranges, its giant oceans of water and people. There it was, a pale blue dot, spinning and spiraling below him. Six billion people’s lives beginning and ending, the plot of everyone’s existence unravelling right there. He was privy to it all, witness to everything. He was a lonely spectator, orbiting just above the heavens. That wasn’t his mission, but it had become his life. 

The spectator stopped for a moment, and just stared at the orb. Home was so close, and yet it could have been on the other end of the galaxy. This thought had pervaded his conscience for the last few years. He was stuck in this space station, and all he could see was the place he used to call home. He wanted out. He wanted to leave so badly. He wanted to be on Earth, and smell the real air again. To hear something besides machines and the hands of time winding down his days. Or to feel a cool breeze upon his cheek. He needed to be back. He needed to see someone, to hear someone else’s voice. He longed for that one thing, the one thing we take for granted since the day of our beginning. The one thing we’ve taken for granted since the beginning of time. The one thing we long for, more than anything else.

He finally wrenched his sight away from the planet, and re-focused on the beeping light. The astronaut moved himself to the control panel. It was full of keypads and bright lights, and it took up one whole side of the cabin. 

The astronaut looked carefully at this light. It had never lit up before, so he had no reason to understand what it was warning him of. He quickly looked around to try and notice something,  smoke or a loose pipe. He found nothing of the sort. His mind was racing now, and his hands started to shake. This happened often to him when his mind was moving fast.

He sat down in the chair positioned in front of the control panel. He sat there with his hand resting on his forehand, silently calming himself down. So far, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He should be fine, or so he hoped.

He turned back to the control panel, with a clear head. He punched a few numbers into the keypad, and a screen lit up, “O2 Levels - 3 days left” His gut wrenched. He knew that his time was running short, but now that he was faced with such little time the notion of dying became less appealing. He clicked the screen off, however, the other light was still beeping and flashing.

The astronaut turned and looked underneath the control panel. He got down on his knees and reached for something. He pulled out a manual with instructions on running the space station. It was dated from the mid 2000’s, so it was quite old. He flipped through the pages until he found the diagram for the control panel.

That’s when he noticed that the manual was written entirely in a foreign language. Out of rage, the astronaut threw the book down and flopped on the chair. 

Suddenly, the room grew darker. The lights were still on, but the natural light from outside had dimmed. At first he didn’t notice, but he slowly lifted his head up. He looked around, but didn’t find a culprit. 

His attention was drawn back to the octagonal window. But instead of seeing the Earth, he saw nothing. It was black.

The astronaut stood up quickly and ran to the window. He couldn’t make out anything. He ran into the next room and looked through the windows, and still nothing. 

Then, a new light came from outside. Bright white, and in high concentration. The whole station was illuminated.

The astronaut looked out of the window on the ceiling. What he saw, he could not believe. He was overwhelmed. It couldn’t be, it simply couldn’t. The astronaut dropped to his knees with tears pouring from his eyes, and his heavy breathing caused the glass to fog.

A vessel was directly outside, orbiting him. The ship was docking with the space station.