Oh God, what have I done?
I'm afraid to grow up,
But I'm too old to be called young.
I'm impressionable, and depressed.
Tell me there's a better life than this.
I came out of a plastic mold.
And in this body I will become old.
But I hope I don't.
God, Take these hands and move them.
I can't feel them like they're my own.
My face is cold, I think I'm sick and alone.
In fact, I know.
I call to the clouds or whisper to my ceiling.
I need someone to tell me this is a momentary feeling.
I can't survive
But if You're here,
I can try.
Take my hand,
Say I'm fine.
Show me something better
On nights like tonight.
Don't show me the open sky.
Don't show me what I want to see
Show me the man you want me to be
Show me my chains so I can be free
I've grown roots in the ground,
And I'm afraid I've found
What no one wants to see.
I can't pretend to accept
This is the end I've met
But this is no beginning.
Take me to the ends of the Earth
Take me to what I've been missing
As it all comes down
The curtains close,
The actors bow
I remove my mask,
I turn and ask.
Why build a place so far away?
And build men with feet to stay.
Can we not grow wings and take to flight?
Towards anything, anything tonight.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Love
Quick, think about what love means to you. When you read or hear the word love, what does it make you think of first? I'm sure everyone has a different answer, and most answers are probably right. Love to me has always been a feeling that the one person you love is a person unlike anyone else. That the one person you love is the person for you. However, I also used to think that you could only love one person at one time. I also never thought that God was someone to be loved, or that He honestly loved us back. I never understood how to show someone love, and never really knew if someone loved me back. Of course, as I grew up I understood that love can and should be shared with everyone that is important to you. But I still never understood love. I could not grasp what love meant, I just knew it was something important. And then recently, I found it.
"Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love is not rude. Love is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
This, to me, is the perfect definition of love. If I cannot do everything that this "checklist" is saying, then do I really love the person? No, I don't believe so. This verse is what love is, and is the only way to show someone how much you really love them. This is also the time I found that God truly loves us back. God is everything that it says.
For the longest time, I bought in to the hollywood definition of love. That people fall in love immediately, usually based on looks. And that you always know the difference between love and lust. That love completely changes a person. That love should completely change a person. But really, this is not love at all. It's an idealistic view of love, but it simply isn't true. Love is much more complex than one simple feeling of elation.
I hope that this has somehow made you think about love, and help you think about the way that love is. Maybe this has even opened your eyes a little bit. I cannot count too much on this, however, seeing as though I haven't completely opened my eyes up yet. But I am confident that everyone gets there eventually.
"Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love is not rude. Love is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
This, to me, is the perfect definition of love. If I cannot do everything that this "checklist" is saying, then do I really love the person? No, I don't believe so. This verse is what love is, and is the only way to show someone how much you really love them. This is also the time I found that God truly loves us back. God is everything that it says.
For the longest time, I bought in to the hollywood definition of love. That people fall in love immediately, usually based on looks. And that you always know the difference between love and lust. That love completely changes a person. That love should completely change a person. But really, this is not love at all. It's an idealistic view of love, but it simply isn't true. Love is much more complex than one simple feeling of elation.
I hope that this has somehow made you think about love, and help you think about the way that love is. Maybe this has even opened your eyes a little bit. I cannot count too much on this, however, seeing as though I haven't completely opened my eyes up yet. But I am confident that everyone gets there eventually.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Currently Untitled
Hopefully no one will mind me posting some of my poetry on this blog. I am very into writing and poetry, so I try and write a lot. This is something I wrote today. The background to this piece is really just having faith and courage about what isn't known. Like, for instance, what lies on the other side of life. We don't know for sure, but we can have faith.
"She was holy that night,
She raised up her gun and turned the dark to light.
She painted the sky,
With everything missing from her life.
She went missing that night
She ran from the town and slipped right on her side.
And on the night she died
Jesus crept down the hall and brought her into the light.
You broke a pane of stained glass,
You broke your back when you fell through.
In a hospital bed
I had the faintest heart and the heaviest head
In a hospital bed
I learned who were my friends
On the night that she left
God spoke to me
He said,
"You've got to walk right through that door, Son.
You've got to wake up.
You've got to walk right through that door, Son."
I never want to wake up.
In a hospital bed,
Waiting for Jesus to come.
In my hospital bed,
Waiting for better days to come."
Yeah, it doesn't have much of a flow. So it probably reads very terribly. I hope someone likes it though.
"She was holy that night,
She raised up her gun and turned the dark to light.
She painted the sky,
With everything missing from her life.
She went missing that night
She ran from the town and slipped right on her side.
And on the night she died
Jesus crept down the hall and brought her into the light.
You broke a pane of stained glass,
You broke your back when you fell through.
In a hospital bed
I had the faintest heart and the heaviest head
In a hospital bed
I learned who were my friends
On the night that she left
God spoke to me
He said,
"You've got to walk right through that door, Son.
You've got to wake up.
You've got to walk right through that door, Son."
I never want to wake up.
In a hospital bed,
Waiting for Jesus to come.
In my hospital bed,
Waiting for better days to come."
Yeah, it doesn't have much of a flow. So it probably reads very terribly. I hope someone likes it though.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Faith and Joy
Today, I had a very meaningful conversation with my father about Faith and what it really means to have Faith. It was struck up by some feelings I have had about my own faith-walk and such. Let me start off with recounting a dream I had today.
I really don't remember much of it, but what I do remember is vivid and stirring, at least to myself. I was in a room, seemingly alone. The walls were bare, and there were no windows but somehow dim light was coming in. Suddenly, things started shaking, I heard voices and laughter. I remember my father coming in to the room, and assuring me that there was a demonic presence in the room. I called out to it, telling it to come forward. It stopped, then cackled a little bit more. Then - I heard a voice. Someone, be it myself or some other disembodied speaker, was telling me not to give up. Not to lose Faith. To be strong, because God would protect me. I then woke up.
I was moved to tears when I awoke. Maybe I was crying out of fear, or maybe I was crying because of the reassuring voice telling me things were going to be fine. It really got me thinking about my faith-walk and how I'm not where I'd like to be. And that prompted the discussion with my Dad.
Please excuse that long and personal segue into what I really want to talk about. Hopefully this one will reach out to more people than me telling you about my dream could.
Faith is a boulder. It's strong and cannot be moved or shaken. This is the conclusion we came to. Once you have it, it shouldn't leave you. But it's only when you really achieve it. That's what I've been worried about. How do you know when you actually achieve it? I once thought I did, and I now know I haven't. But I think you would really be able to tell when you have it. It's like the difference between happiness and joy - one is fleeting, but feels nice and cozy, and the other one offers peace, but takes time and effort. A lot of time and effort most Christians don't seem to want to give. God is looking to see if we'll put in that time and effort, not looking to see how many good deeds we've done so we can buy our golden pass to heaven. Really, a big piece of this is just Faith.
My brain is rather scattered right now, and this probably makes no sense at all. But it was another ghost weighing on my heart. This was also meant in no way as being evangelistic. I believe there are people to do that sort of thing, and that does not include me.
I really don't remember much of it, but what I do remember is vivid and stirring, at least to myself. I was in a room, seemingly alone. The walls were bare, and there were no windows but somehow dim light was coming in. Suddenly, things started shaking, I heard voices and laughter. I remember my father coming in to the room, and assuring me that there was a demonic presence in the room. I called out to it, telling it to come forward. It stopped, then cackled a little bit more. Then - I heard a voice. Someone, be it myself or some other disembodied speaker, was telling me not to give up. Not to lose Faith. To be strong, because God would protect me. I then woke up.
I was moved to tears when I awoke. Maybe I was crying out of fear, or maybe I was crying because of the reassuring voice telling me things were going to be fine. It really got me thinking about my faith-walk and how I'm not where I'd like to be. And that prompted the discussion with my Dad.
Please excuse that long and personal segue into what I really want to talk about. Hopefully this one will reach out to more people than me telling you about my dream could.
Faith is a boulder. It's strong and cannot be moved or shaken. This is the conclusion we came to. Once you have it, it shouldn't leave you. But it's only when you really achieve it. That's what I've been worried about. How do you know when you actually achieve it? I once thought I did, and I now know I haven't. But I think you would really be able to tell when you have it. It's like the difference between happiness and joy - one is fleeting, but feels nice and cozy, and the other one offers peace, but takes time and effort. A lot of time and effort most Christians don't seem to want to give. God is looking to see if we'll put in that time and effort, not looking to see how many good deeds we've done so we can buy our golden pass to heaven. Really, a big piece of this is just Faith.
My brain is rather scattered right now, and this probably makes no sense at all. But it was another ghost weighing on my heart. This was also meant in no way as being evangelistic. I believe there are people to do that sort of thing, and that does not include me.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Writer's Worst Enemy
I think that the writer's worst enemy is themselves. I know that's the way it is for me. Everything that a writer deals with is all rooted in his or herself. Writer's block especially. If the writer could just let himself go and write what comes to him instead of processing every word, every line, every thought through countless filters. Will it be good enough? Does it rhyme? Does it compare to all of my greatest heroes? A line from a pmtoday song says it best, "I can write whatever I please." You can write whatever you want, and make it anyway you want. People are just too afraid of themselves, myself included, to let out their thoughts and musings.
It's terrible. It aches after a while, with all the ideals and sentiments that are left unsaid. Eventually they'll just fall away. I am one of the worst offenders. I never think anything I write is good, and I critique myself so far to where I can't get two lines into something before giving up. Out of fear. I know it's much simpler than I make it, I'm just too young and immature to let myself write. One day I'll grow up and write again.
It's terrible. It aches after a while, with all the ideals and sentiments that are left unsaid. Eventually they'll just fall away. I am one of the worst offenders. I never think anything I write is good, and I critique myself so far to where I can't get two lines into something before giving up. Out of fear. I know it's much simpler than I make it, I'm just too young and immature to let myself write. One day I'll grow up and write again.
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